While I'm Still Here
by smallboxes
Summary: Drake's chest was going to explode, any second now, and he was about 99% sure this wasn't a dream that he would wake up from. slash
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: **I do not own _Drake & Josh_, I'm making no profit from this, and no copyright infringement is intended. This story contains sexuality and homosexual situations; if that's not your thing then go check out another story.

--

Drake had always needed Josh way more than the other way around

Drake had always needed Josh way more than the other way around. And really, Drake thought he'd had a handle on his emotions until Josh completely shut him out last spring. He couldn't sleep, couldn't focus, couldn't function and it got totally past the point of pathetic until Josh finally forgave him. In the end, the fight had made them stronger but Drake wasn't willing to forget so fast this time. Because now, it was hard to think that in a week Josh would be headed for college and Drake would be headed off to record his first album. Sometimes Drake would dream about it and wake up gasping, like his chest was about to cave in from the sheer force of it all. Josh was oblivious, of course, snoring away while the dehumidifier ran as it had for the past four years. But he would lay back on his loft, mind racing, and wonder how he could keep the separation from killing him.

"Dude, you okay?" Josh asked, three days from his departure. Drake had been sitting on the sofa, feet propped up and watching _Celebrities Underwater_ while Josh was busy packing.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You just seem awfully quiet." Drake heard the ripping sound of packing tape and internally flinched. "Would you mind helping me?'

Because it was a commercial and because he couldn't think of a good excuse, he agreed and Drake found himself amid the boxes and suitcases he wanted to avoid. He noticed a notebook he thought was his and bent over to grab it. Flipping through it, Drake realized that it was filled with drawings, sketches he wasn't aware Josh did anymore.

"You still draw?"

"Sometimes," Josh shrugged, packing a few books away in to an empty box.

"These are really good," Drake said, half under his breath. Pages and pages of landscapes and the ocean and whatever until Drake saw something that made him stop cold. "Is this me?"

Josh stood up then, slight hint of red tingeing his cheeks as he peered over Drake's shoulder. "Uh...yeah. I did these after you got signed."

"This looks like an album cover," Drake told him, unable to take his eyes off the page.

"Good. That's kinda what I was going for."

Two more pages turned and Drake saw three more drawn versions of himself rocking out on pencil lined guitar. "Man, how come you never showed these to me?"

"I don't know. I didn't think it was a big deal." Josh eyed him suspiciously and put his hand on Drake's shoulder. "Are you okay? You've been acting weirder than usual lately."

"No...no man, I'm fine," Drake said, trying to sound reassuring. "Listen, I've gotta get to band practice so, um...why don't we do this later?" He was at the door now, desperate to make a quick escape. He stepped outside of the room and made it almost halfway down the hall.

"_Draaake?_"

"Yeah?"

"_Don't you need your guitar?_"

Drake refused to look Josh in the eye as he came back for his guitar.

--

Drake drove around aimlessly as he tried to figure out a place to go. Anywhere but here seemed like a good option and because of his band practice lie, he had a couple hours to kill. He just needed to figure out how to get away from the thoughts that had been plaguing his head recently; thoughts of Josh that were more than just brotherly and he didn't really know how to handle it. The idea of avoiding everything and hoping that it would go away seemed like the way to go. Pulling out his cell phone, he slowed for the red light before pressing 'talk'. _"Hey, you wanna go somewhere? Cool."_

It took ten minutes to get to his destination, five minutes for Carly to convince her mom to let her go, and another fifteen minutes before they were tangled in each other in his back seat. But it seemed like no time at all before Drake was thinking of Josh, of digging his fingers into short, dark curls instead of the long, brown waves that were currently occupying his hands. He tried to concentrate on what he was doing and how she felt pressed against him (_So good baby, just like that_), but on some level, Drake felt like he was just going through the motions.

It was over soon enough; his jeans were zipped and he was watching Carly pull her black t-shirt over her head. In the quiet of the car, he used the tip of his fingers to brush over his bottom lip and he realized how raw it was from trying not to scream out the name that was on the tip of his tongue.

"Are you okay?"

"_Fine_," Drake answered while gritting his teeth.

Except it wasn't and he tried not to cringe when she kissed him goodbye.

--

The night before their separation, Josh said yes to the wine because he was a good boy and only drank one glass that he used to toast to their exciting new futures.

Drake had snuck in the alcohol and downed three glasses when Josh wasn't looking because he was the bad guy who needed to forget that tomorrow was coming.

"Okay, I think you've had enough," Josh said, wrestling the bottle out of Drake's hands with only minor spillage. He set it on the coffee table as Drake fell against the back of the sofa, dreamy smile making his lips spread.

"Josh. Josh. Josh."

"What?"

"Josh. I like your name. Do you like mine?"

Josh smiled. "Yeah Drake, sure." He took Drake's arm and brought it around his neck while his other arm braced the other boy's back. "Come on, let's try getting up."

It was a bit rocky and Josh nearly dropped him, but they managed to get next to the ladder of Drake's loft. The majority of Drake's weight rested warmly against Josh's side and he looked at the sofa, confused. "Hey, the sofa's down there."

"Yeah and your bed's up there dude. Think you can make it up?"

Drake looked up at his bed and forgot how to shake his head "no" before he fell forward (or Josh pushed him) and a then a ladder slat was pressed up coldly on his cheek. He could hear Josh trying to suppress laughter before the two of them were moving together again; the next thing he felt was soft cotton and his eyes focused on the blue plaid of Josh's comforter. The bed dipped and Drake rolled over to see Josh laying next to him, smiling with tired eyes.

"Guess we'll have to share," Josh informed him, the last word swallowed up by a yawn. Drake nodded, not feeling the least bit tired. He was aware of the bed and how Josh was less than an arm's length away; any thoughts he'd been having over the last couple of days (hell, last couple of months) were sliding together in hyper drive as he tried to remember how to breathe easily. He reached out and grabbed Josh's bicep, as if to prove that he was really there.

"Josh, Josh, Josh."

"Drake, Drake, Drake."

Josh was smiling like it was a silly game and Drake could feel his heart thumping angrily against his bones. _Ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom_; man, couldn't Josh hear that? Drake's chest was going to explode, any second now, and he was about 99 sure this wasn't a dream that he would wake up from. No, this time he wasn't on the mattress on his loft but he was on Josh's bed and Josh must've forgotten to turn on the dehumidifier because the room was silent, except for _ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom_. Drake was vaguely aware that his hand hadn't moved and Josh wasn't pulling away and god, he was drunk but he didn't feel like he was.

"You have something on your ear," Drake said and he was going for it, pulling out one of his oldest tricks. Josh had seen him pull this trick on girls at the Premiere, but he was still as could be as Drake used his finger and thumb to brush nothing off Josh's earlobe while simultaneously scooting closer. They were close enough now that they're almost sharing the same pillow and Josh's face was a little blurry.

"Did you get it?" Josh asked and Drake noticed the hitch in his voice. He could see Josh look at his lips and he felt Josh's warm breath on his chin as he took in a breath and a shallow prayer of his own before he actually went through with it.

"Almost."

Pressing their lips together, Drake tried to be as soft as he could. He swore that his lungs had all but stopped working, that everything in his body hit a giant pause button for an achingly long moment until Josh responded and they were moving their lips together; sort of a kiss, sort of a feeling each other out. Josh pulled away first and looked at him with wide eyes that made Drake want to die inside.

"You...you _kissed_ me."

"Yeah." What else could he say?

"On purpose?"

"Yeah."

"You're messing with me, right?"

Drake shook his head. Josh's eyes had gone from wide to normal and he looked more like he was trying to process what had just happened instead of pushing Drake away. So Drake took his chances, looped his hand around the back of the other boy's neck and pulled him forward to show him how serious he was. There was more pressure this time and Drake allowed his body to line up with Josh's; a flick of someone's tongue and through his haze, Drake heard a faint groan that wasn't his and it made his insides melt. Kissing Josh was unlike anything he'd ever experienced before, he was pretty sure. He finally dug his fingers into the inky black curls that played at the nape of Josh's neck and felt how soft they were; his imagination hadn't done them justice. He wanted to taste the skin there and he moved his mouth over the strong line of Josh's jaw before burying himself into the curve of his neck.

"Drake...Drake, how'd you know?"

"Know what?" he asked, his words sinking into the grooved collar of Josh's t-shirt.

"That I, uh...felt, um...you know..."

Drake heard the stammering, the _uhs_, the _ums_, and dealt with it the only way he knew how. He kept moving with lips grazing over skin in time with the rhythm of Josh's breathing and the ever present _ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom_, like his heart was gearing up for a particularly intense drum solo or something. Drake hovered as close to Josh's mouth without actually touching; teasing with warm breath, taunting with a mischievous glance. He doesn't miss the flicker of desire in the blue eyes staring back at him and in a searing flash of a moment, Josh pulled them together; if he hadn't already been drunk, Drake surely would've been intoxicated by the headiness of the kiss, inebriated by the languid swipes of tongue.

--

It was all hazy memories after that. Shirts had been cast to the floor, the sheets were rumpled. A series of moans and groans, touches, tastes, and everything in between sort of filtered in to Drake's head as he slowly woke up the next morning, bleary eyed with a slamming headache. Stupid wine.

Rubbing his face, Drake realized that the room seemed awful quiet without the sound of Josh's snoring. Dropping his hands to his chest, he saw that the other side of the bed was empty. A quick scan of the room revealed emptiness too.

"Josh?"

Nothing.

Drake threw the plaid comforter back and got out of bed, adjusting his jeans and buttoned them to close as he did so. The alarm clock read noon and he remembered that Josh's flight was for 10 AM. He muttered a few choice words under his breath as he tore down the hallway, down the stairs, and burst into the kitchen. Audrey was tossing the ingredients for a salad and Megan was helping, but she took the time to give her brother a questioning look.

"You look terrible," Megan stated while handing Audrey a tomato.

"Mom, where's Josh?" Drake asked, ignoring her as he crossed his arms over his bare chest.

"Probably about an hour into his flight," Audrey answered, easily slicing through the tomato. "You knew he was leaving for college today."

"Well, yeah, but I wanted to go to the airport with him. I can't believe he would just leave like that!"

"Josh told us you guys said your goodbyes last night," Audrey informed him.

"Yeah and we all know how much you love your beauty sleep," Megan added, smirking.

"I can't believe you guys didn't wake me," he grumbled. "Josh is leaving for the other side of the country, which is like 300 miles away! Don't you think I would've gone to the airport?" He didn't stick around for the answer as he turned on his heel and walked back toward the staircase.

"_Try three __thousand__ miles_," Megan bellowed after him.

"_Whatever!_"

--

Closing the blue door behind him, Drake slid against the wood until he was sitting on the bedroom floor and feeling completely lost. Looking around, the room was more or less the same but the emptiness felt cloying and he had to do something. He pulled out his phone and as if on autopilot, he called Josh because Josh would know what to do about the emptiness. Josh would know how to make him laugh and Josh would know what story would make him feel better and Josh would know that what Drake really needed right now was...well, _Josh_.

The mechanical voice on the voicemail sounded grating and Drake shut the phone and threw it toward the couch; not really mad, just frustrated. Last night was amazing (he's pretty sure) but confusing (he's absolutely sure) and it was definitely all his fault (of course).

_I need you more than you need me._


	2. I'll Remember Where the Love Was Found

Things would be different if Josh had picked UCLA or whatever. But ever since he was a little kid, his dream school had been NYU; off he went, three thousand miles away from everything, everything.

It's not like Drake was totally oblivious to the idea of Josh going to college. It always just seemed like it was so far off into the future that he didn't worry about it all that much. Whenever Josh talked about college and schools to choose from in the past year, Drake tuned him out, nodded and "mmm-hmm"-ed when appropriate, and tried to change the subject. But the reality was here and hitting Drake hard like a crashing wave and taking Josh into the rip tide of the vast ocean.

They talked on the phone, but not really. It took Drake three weeks to muster up the courage to even call Josh in the first place. Conversations were light, brief; Drake was scared to bring up their last night together and Josh wasn't mentioning it, so why bother? Sometimes, Drake felt like he had imagined all of it, but there was a hickey at the base of his collarbone that lasted a week and a half and, well. Can't ignore that.

Things were _supposed_ to be going great. Drake had a new contract drawn up with Spin City Records that he read over no less than four times before he put pen to paper. The whole aspect of recording was amazing, but such a time suck that it didn't leave for much of anything else. Mom and Walter were tied up with work, as usual, and Megan was figuring out the ropes of freshman year at Belleview High. When he was home, it was only to crash for a few hours of sleep before heading back into the studio. Sometimes, that was easier said than done.

Lying on the old sofa, Drake scrolled through his phone list for a fifth time. He paused when Josh's name was highlighted and pressed "call" before really thinking it through. Holding the phone to his ear, he felt his heart in his throat during a couple of rings before quickly hitting the red "end" button. He closed his eyes and let out a tiny sigh of relief, but nearly jumped a foot in the air when the ringer exploded from the tiny phone.

"H-hello?"

"Drake?"

"Josh?"

"Yeah, I'm uh...you just called me. What's up?"

_Crap_. "Nothing man, just trying to sleep. Isn't it like..." Drake craned his neck to get a look at a clock. "three am over there?"

"Yeah. I'm cramming for a test for tomorrow...or, today I guess."

"Man, who takes tests in college?"

"Everybody."

"You know what I mean. You should be out at a party, chatting up cute girls."

"I should be _sleeping_." Josh yawned.

Drake felt a twinge of...something. Nostalgia, maybe, as he remembered the study sessions Josh would put him through so that he could pass English or History or whatever. The twinge or whatever it was probably explained why he blurted out, "I miss you." He hoped Josh didn't hear the smack of his palm against his forehead.

There was a pause and he could hear Josh breathe out before answering. "I'll be home for Thanksgiving."

"No, Josh, I...you, I mean..." Drake paused and tried to remember when it wasn't this complicated. "It's not good enough."

"I gotta get back to my books," Josh said, his voice sounding so disconnected from the Josh Drake remembered. "Talk to you later."

The dial tone lasted about fifteen seconds before Drake had the heart to turn off his phone.

--

He was supposed to be on his way to record at Spin City Records. But instead of making a right off the highway, he kept driving toward open road. Driving, driving, driving until he made it to the airport and then he's on an airplane, an actual freaking _plane_ and it's not until he's over Ohio that he realized this plan might backfire. Walter would be furious with him for using his credit card without asking. Again. Mom would be mad because he was acting so irresponsibly. Nick Matteo probably wouldn't be pleased for skipping out on recording time. He had visions of Josh either squeezing him into a hug or slamming the door in his face when he arrived.

It was too late now.

He arrived at NYU without too much incident and things seemed to be going okay until Drake couldn't get past the guy at the desk who wouldn't let him go up to Josh's room without Josh. He agreed that he could wait in the lobby until Josh came back, but until then, he was out of luck.

--

It's fucking _surreal_ is what it is.

The day had slowly been devolving into sort of a nightmare for Josh. He'd spilled coffee down his last clean shirt, he was pretty sure he'd bombed his Lit exam, and he'd missed the bus to get to his dorm and had to wait an hour for the next one (one of these days he would have to learn the subway system, but it still kind of freaked him out). Needless to say, the only thing Josh wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide. And maybe watch some Oprah.

It was a miracle he didn't fall over from the sheer shock of seeing Drake sitting in the lobby of his dorm building.

"_Drake_?"

"Hey man!"

That's all he can say? _Hey man!_ Never mind they hadn't seen each other since August, never mind that there's this unspoken thing between them. Josh was so unbelievably pissed, sad, scared, and irritated at the same time that it was hard to figure out which feeling trumped the others. He had counted on spending time away from Drake, to give them some time to distance themselves from the "incident", as Josh had taken to thinking about it. He figured by Thanksgiving they'd be able to be in the same room together without being awkward and by Christmas, they'd be back to normal. Drake wasn't supposed to break the plan by standing in the lobby of his dorm building in his leather jacket and jeans with an out of place tan in New York in the middle of October.

But it's _Drake_ and a bubble of happiness floats somewhere near his heart and there's a thought of _want this, need this, want him_ that pops in the back of his brain. It's quickly pushed away.

"Josh?"

"Yeah? Uh...yeah. Wow. What are you doing here?"

"I came to visit," Drake said slowly and he recognized the tone, as though Drake should've taken a marker and written DUH on Josh's forehead.

"I didn't expect you." God, that sounded lame.

"Surprise," Drake replies, shaking his hands to embellish his point.

--

They end up at a nearby coffee shop that Josh likes to study at sometimes. Drake gets a ham sandwich and an orange soda while Josh gets the largest coffee his money can buy. It still feels like he's in a dream and he's hoping the caffeine will keep him awake enough to realize the reality that's smacking him in the face.

"So, are you in town for some gigs or something?" Josh asks, breaking the silence.

Drake shakes his head, swallowing his food. "No, I...I told you. I came to visit."

"What, you just dropped everything and hopped on a plane?" It was semi-sarcastic, but he notices the look that crosses over Drake's face. "Drake! I thought Dad got rid of that credit card after you bought the scooter."

"He did, but it's not like he can stop me from memorizing the new numbers." An impish smile, a sip of soda. Josh rolls his eyes and burns his mouth as he takes a swig of coffee.

They make more small talk and Josh can feel himself internally calm down, like he's coming to terms with Drake. Drake in New York. New York with Drake in it. Okay, this isn't so bad. But then he would remember a piece of that last night together and just...it's difficult, that's all. But if college has taught him anything, it's that not every little thing needs to be obsessed over and look ma, he's growing. Sort of.

Drake finishes the last bites of his sandwich and looks him in the eye as he wipes the grease from his hands with a couple of napkins. "So, is there anything to do in this town?"

"Anything to _do_? We're in the city that never sleeps! What do you think?"

"Let's go play tourist then. You can show me what you've been doing over here."

He thinks about it. "I don't know...I've got a class in a half hour, but I guess I can miss it." Drake's eyes go wide. "What?"

"Man, I just _never_ thought I'd hear you say that. Come on, let's go."

--

Josh is dragging (literally, _dragging_) Drake out of a vintage record store when they run into Kaitlyn, a girl from his biology class. She tells them how a bunch of their classmates are going to a new eighteen and over club on 32nd St that just opened and you should come Josh, it'll be totally fun if you're there. Drake, forgetting the music store at the prospect of cute girls dancing, gets on board with the idea and tells Kaitlyn not to worry, they'll _definitely_ be there.

So, as if this day hadn't been weird enough, Josh finds himself listening to the pounding rhythm of some song blasting way too loud from the speakers as he nurses a Coke while watching everybody dance. This is _so_ not his scene; he'd rather be holed up in a library or watching Battlestar Galactica with the guys who room down the hall from him, but. That thought is cut short when Drake shows up with Kaitlyn and some brunette girl with red lips and a short skirt.

_Josh, this is my roommate Dana!_ He can barely hear her over the music, but he thinks he figures out what she's saying and he gives Dana a smile and a wave. She smiles back and Kaitlyn is talking again. _You two would really hit it off!_

He doubts it; she looks like she might be out of his league, but she hasn't run away yet. He wants to talk to her, but Drake makes his way around Dana and then he's leaning in and Josh's world suddenly centers on what Drake is saying, the way he can feel warm breath right under his earlobe.

"You gonna come dance with us?"

Josh nods.

"Good. Hey, it's okay that I'm dancing with Kaitlyn?"

The music makes it difficult to pick up on subtleties and Josh tries answer the question at face value. "Yeah, it's fine. Just a friend."

"Okay." Drake pats him on the back and Josh sets his glass on the table behind them. He leans in to ask Dana to dance and then, there he is, in a crush of people with Drake by his side and the two girls in front of them, swaying to the beat.

Nothing makes him feel more like an awkward, thirteen year old boy quite like dancing in a club. It's hot and sweaty, the music isn't to his taste, girls make him feel like a blubbering idiot most of the time, and he can never really get the rhythm right. He imagines when he's older, alcohol will make this experience much more tolerable, but in this moment he's underage and trying to find the beat somewhere in this stupid song. Josh slides a look over at Drake, who looks as though he's totally in his element even though he knows Drake hates the music more than he does ("whatever happened to _instruments_?" Drake had complained on more than one occasion). But Drake knows what a beat is and can hold on to it, much like he's holding on to Kaitlyn's hips now. He's talking into her ear and she's laughing, throwing her head back on to his shoulder and something stirs inside of Josh.

There's more fumbling and Josh thinks he finds a groove. The four of them are all still miraculously close in proximity to each other, which Josh is thankful for because he's stealing cues from Drake.

_Just so confused about it_

_Feeling the blues about it_

_I just can't do without you_

_Can you tell me is this fair?_

Josh had been so valiantly trying to ignore the music but the current song stuck with him, the lyrics rattled somewhere in his ribs. He brought his head up and inadvertently made eye contact with Drake and it was like he _knew_. He'd heard the words too and it was all just crazy coincidence right? Sometimes the song matched up with life and it didn't only just happen in the movies. It's happening right now, just like Drake's fingers on the back of his hand.

Whoa, hold up. Rewind. Josh looks down to see Drake's fingers tentatively brushing over the knuckles on his left hand before his thumb grazes upon the thin skin on the inside of his wrist. He has to know, has to feel how his pulse quickens with that small movement because he can certainly feel his blood through the rest of his body. Josh looks up, tries to use a pleading look to convey "_not here, not now_", but Drake was pretty good at ignoring those kind of signals. He continues to trace invisible shapes on Josh's wrist and through the inside of his palm that he's dropped from Dana's hip at this point. When he grabs Josh's thumb and squeezes, it's too much.

Cold, October air feels _amazing_ on his skin, which is flushed from the club's heat and his own anticipation. The brisk wind fills his lungs and he exhales loudly, like he'd just barely escaped suffocation. Josh turns and walks to the brick wall of the club, leaning against it as he tries to collect himself before even thinking about going back in there. _It's too much, too much_.

Drake bursts through the door when Josh is still in the middle of his mental debate. He's got a strange look on his face; hurt mixed with confusion. Maybe the look isn't so strange, but Josh isn't used to seeing the emotions collide within Drake; he almost has to do a double take. And he's so caught up in his own crap, that it takes him a couple seconds to realize Drake is rambling on about something.

"...and I'll just go back to San Diego, man. I don't know what I was thinking, but if you want me out of here, I'm gone, no question. But I thought that-"

Josh pushes off from the wall and interrupts him by almost smothering him in a giant hug. A _real_ hug, not a stupid bro-style, pat on the back and shake hands at the same time kind of hug that he'd tried to pass off earlier. The kind of hug that they're used to, the kind that makes Josh breathe in deep and realize how much Drake felt like home base for him.

"I don't want you out of here," Josh tells him, and it's true. He's tired, exhausted even, from emotionally distancing himself all day from their unfinished business. They'll get to that bridge eventually, he figures. He's trying to create a life here with school and new friends and new things to do; Drake and that piece of home spontaneously show up in this new life and until this moment, Josh hadn't realized how much he missed everything, everything.

"Good," Drake mumbles into Josh's shoulder and he can feel the hug being reciprocated, hands splaying under his shoulder blades and then. Well. He's not really sure who starts it, but they manage to make it in to the alley next to the club while kissing and grabbing at each other. Josh walks Drake up against the stacked brick, feels the stone roughly grate against his palms while simultaneously feeling like a match had been lit up inside him.

They're recklessly making out, re-learning how each other taste when Drake pulls back the slightest inch and the only sound they can hear is each other's breathing. "You got a roommate or something?"

It takes a minute for Josh's brain to unscramble. "Um...yeah, but he left yesterday. Gone for the weekend." Drake smiles brightly.

"Well, come on then. Let's go fill that empty room."

"Wait, what about the girls?"

Drake rolls his eyes and laughs before trotting out to the curbside and hailing a cab with little trouble.

--

They have to cool it by the time they get back to the dorms while Josh searches for his student id and Drake tries to act casual. But the second they're inside Josh's dorm, Drake is on him, pressing him against the door that he's trying to lock and eventually, he gives up because kissing just feels so much better.

Drake is pulling him and Josh blindly follows; they fall on to the nearest bed that happens to be his. They roll over and Drake is straddling Josh now, knees tight at his sides and lips hot on his own. It feels so good to just give into this and Josh is aware that his brain is becoming nothing more than a big pile of mush between his ears.

"So glad, so glad," Drake murmurs against his cheek, on his way to nip at an earlobe.

"Hmm?"

"Glad that we're doing this," he answers. There's a few kisses on the skin where his earlobe and the start of his jawline meet and Josh makes a noise of appreciation. "I'll make it so good Josh, so much better than last time."

There's a sincerity in his voice that makes Josh stop as sense memories from their last meeting flooded his head. How hard it had been to leave that room because he knew it was the right thing. How their relationship would be jeopardized. All of that came rushing back and Josh knew what he, painfully, had to do.

"Stop, stop, stop," Josh said, each one louder than the next until Drake was listening and stopped.

"What? Something wrong?" There's disbelief in his question, but he moves to give Josh room as Josh slides off the bed. "Dude, what-"

"Just stop," Josh says, his heart beating fast in his chest. Silence feels like an eternity, before he speaks again. "We can't do this."

"Uh, I'm pretty sure we _can_," Drake answers quickly, flicking his head so his hair is out of his eyes.

"No, I mean it. It's gotta stop. It's going to stop."

"Josh, what the hell? You've gotta be like, the king of mixed signals," Drake points out. "You want this, I know you do."

It would be so easy to fall into this, but Josh stands his ground. "I'm sorry, but we can't do this. I'm trying to start my life out here, Drake. I've thought a lot about this-"

"So just like that, you're going to decide this for us?" Drake interrupts. "When did you think about this, when you were running out of our room at home?"

It's like a slap in the face, but he's not going to apologize for it. "I had to do that. You know I did."

"No, I didn't," Drake shoots back as he crawls off the bed and then they're standing in front of each other. "Josh, you didn't even let me get to say goodbye. You just bailed before I even got the chance."

"Please. I was doing you a favor!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Drake, you bail on _everything_. School, girls, me. Unless it's your precious guitar, you could care less."

"That's not fair! I might bail when it's stupid stuff like whatever happens between you and Mindy or homework or whatever," Drake listed off. "But when it comes to important stuff like science fairs and salsa competitions and being there when it counts, I don't bail."

"So you're saying that that morning, you wouldn't have rolled over and just said let's forget the whole thing?"

"No! ...Probably not."

"Drake, I saw all the wine you had drank that night. I didn't want to stick around and hear you chalk it up to some drunken mistake."

"I wouldn't have!" An exasperated sigh left Drake. "You don't know what would've happened that morning."

"I wasn't going to stick around to find out."

"Well maybe if you'd stuck around, I could've told you..." His words trailed off and Josh's curiosity got the best of him.

"Could've told me what?"

"I could've told you," Drake started slowly. "That I've had these sort of...feelings, I guess, toward you."

"Feelings," Josh repeated, like he couldn't believe it.

"Yeah. For awhile now. That night meant something to me," Drake admitted and Josh believed him, stupidly.

"It meant something to me too," Josh said quietly.

"Why are you fighting this then?" Drake is in Josh's space again, crowding his senses and he tries to resist. "I know you want this. Not just that night, but at the club...god, Josh you were practically undressing me with your eyes." His cheeks grew hot but Drake continued. "I wanted you to."

"It would change everything."

"Hey, change isn't always bad." Josh doesn't answer and Drake grabs his chin so that they're making deliberate eye contact. "What do you want me to do, promise it'll be easy? I can't do that."

"I know."

Drake's hand was still holding his jaw and he didn't fight the pull of his mouth on to Drake's. The kiss was soft, tender, and reminded him of that infamous night when they didn't know what they were getting themselves into. But he thought maybe he could feel hope in those lips and he wanted to believe this could work, somehow, some way.

Drake broke first, dropping his hand to his side. "You still scared?"

"A little."

"Me too. We'll figure it out."

--

EPILOGUE

Pleasure rose within him, starting from his toes and curling all the way to the flush in his cheeks. There was a good chance he would get carpet burn from this, but the most important thing right now was that Drake keep doing the swirling thing with his tongue...and then, he's gone, sailing over the edge as his fingertips bruised into the freckles that were sprinkled over Drake's shoulders.

Josh felt the rise and fall of his chest and he tried desperately to gulp down some air while Drake rolled over to lie next to him on the floor.

"Wow," Josh breathed out and he didn't have to look at Drake to know the grin that was on his face. He looked around at the clean furniture, the paintings while his breath became a little more even. "I can't believe the record company just gave you this apartment."

"Yeah, well. Seemed like it would be easier on everyone," Drake said and Josh turned to look at him. "Besides, I can be _very_ persuasive."

"Yes, I know."

"Which room should we do next? Bathroom or kitchen?"

"Bathroom."

"Cool, we can try out the jacuzzi bath."

"Hey," Josh said, before running a hand through his thick curls. "Thanks for...you know, figuring this whole thing out."

Drake leaned over and kissed Josh's lips, then his shoulder, before springing up and running down the hallway. "I'm gonna beat you to the bathroom!"

"I don't even know where the bathroom is!"

"Just follow my voice; you'll get there!"

FIN


End file.
